I was waiting in line for the washroom, right before my yoga class was about to start. There were two women in line with me making small talk. The woman in front of me mentioned that she was 4 weeks postpartum. Without thinking, my mouth opened and I blurted out, “I’m 3 weeks postpartum!” Ahhhh Meray, you idiot! I thought. She replied with excitement “No way! Girl or a boy?” “What?” I replied, trying to buy time until I could find a way to exit the conversation. “Boy or Girl?” I paused, which seemed like a really long time, “Girl”. “Oh my gosh! Me too!” She said with excitement, as if we instantly had a connection. Perfect timing, the washroom was available, I smiled and ran in, thankful for an escape. For the entire class, I replayed the conversation in my mind. Why did I say that? What am I going to say next time I see her? When do I break the news and tell her my daughter died? Maybe I need to find a new yoga studio.
I realized that maybe I told her about my baby because deep down I was looking for an opportunity to talk about her. So here is my story about my journey over the past year.
A year ago, my husband and I decided to start trying to get pregnant. It only took 2 months before I was pregnant. I thought I was invincible, I’m healthy, fit, and had no reason to think that I would have any complications in my pregnancy. At 10 weeks pregnant, I was traveling Egypt with my cousin, when I miscarried my twins. When I returned back to Vancouver I had a D&C. I was heartbroken. I’ve had a handful of friends miscarry, but I never understood their pain. I saw a naturopath and GP, who both encouraged me to continue to try and get pregnant. Two months later I was pregnant again, and at 7 weeks I miscarried my 3rd baby. I was discouraged and heart broken. I decided to wait a few months before getting pregnant again. To our surprise, 4 weeks later I was pregnant. I was in disbelief. I saw my doctor right away, and she confirmed that I was pregnant. I made sure to get blood tests every 3 days, rest lots, supplement, and eat well in order to ensure that my baby was being taken care of. I was BEYOND sick for the first 16 weeks. I spent most of my days on the couch. My morning sickness was all-day sickness. I did not exercise, I rested and I prayed every single day for the safety and health of my baby.
I remember feeling so accomplished when I hit the 3 month mark. I’m in the clear!! I thought. I started to work a little bit more, but still rested a lot. A few days before my 20 week doctors appointment I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. I talked to my husband about it, and he ensured me that everything was okay, and I was just anxious because of my previous miscarriages. I was eager to get to my appointment and ensure that there was a heart beat. The doctor got right to it, and he noticed that my baby’s heart rate went from 70bpm to 150bpm in a matter of seconds. This was concerning to him, so he booked me in with a specialist at Women’s Hospital the very next day. After seeing different specialists and having a 2 hour ultra sound, we were brought into a private room with a doctor. She had sad eyes when she looked at us. She tilted her head as she told us that our baby had 3 major concerns. My heart immediately sank. Not again, I thought. The first was that she had an irregular heartbeat. At one point during the US her heart stopped for 4 seconds, then continued again. Second, she was 2 weeks behind in growth. And third, there was a white spot on her liver. This is too much. I said over and over again in my mind. The doctor then told us that there was a very small chance that our baby would survive given these concerns. They had no explanation, and haven’t seen a case like this. She said it could be an infection or a genetic disease, like down syndrome. She told me I could have a blood test to test for infection- if positive my baby wouldn’t survive. And I could have an amniocentesis which tests for genetic disease. She told me that there was a good chance that the baby wouldn’t survive by the time the results come back. We decided to find out the gender, and found out that I was having a daughter. I had a baby girl. I always wanted a girl, but thought it was impossible given the strong male gene in our family line.
It hurt, it was painful, like a pain I’ve never felt before. I felt so hopeless, and so angry. This isn’t fair, I thought. We went home, and prayed together in the car for a miracle.
For the next two weeks I stayed home and prayed day and night. I’ve never felt so close to God in my life. I realized, that I had zero control, and I needed Him in every way. I prayed, I cried, I worshipped, I journaled, I read scripture, and I prayed some more.
After 1 week, the results from my amniocentesis came back negative. I felt a huge sense of relief and hope. I knew so deep in my heart that my baby girl would be okay. I had a supernatural sense of faith. A few days later, the results from the torch test came back negative. She was clear for infection. Meanwhile, I was visiting my doctor every 3 days to ensure that there was still a heartbeat. Everything was looking so positive.
At 22 weeks pregnant my husband and I went to Women’s Hospital for an ultrasound to check on our baby, and see if she had grown. It didn’t take 2 minutes into our ultrasound before the doctor told us that there was no heartbeat. This was probably the worst moment of my life. Pretty soon after finding out the news, I was told that I had to be induced for labour. I was surprised by this, I thought I could just have a D&C like I did in the past. I was induced for labour on Tuesday, December 12th at 1pm, and delivered my baby girl 22 hours later.
It is difficult to understand why such terrible things happen to us. I still don’t understand why I had to lose my baby girl. But, in the midst of so much pain, sadness and frustration, I 100% trust that God is in control of my life, and that is enough for me.
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:1
I have received countless messages from women who have miscarried. My heart breaks for all of you, as I know the pain you feel. Every single one of your babies are a gift from God. I pray that all of you can experience the love of God, and faith that He knows you, loves you, and will take care of you.
Cast your cares to the Lord, and He will sustain you. Psalm 55