I honestly can hardly believe that I’m writing this. It’s been almost 1 year since I was induced into labour and gave birth to my baby girl. Saying goodbye to her, and to my dreams of raising a little girl was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. If you’ve been pregnant before, you probably know that the connection you have with your child in your womb is like nothing else. It’s so hard to describe how you can feel so connected and love someone that you haven’t even met before. But it’s real, and it was so real to me, and embarking in this journey was incredibly scary, and difficult to face.
At 3 weeks past my menstrual cycle, I knew I was pregnant. I took the day off work because I felt terrible, and when Dallas tried to keep his distance from me because he didn’t want to get sick, I told him not to worry, this is pregnancy sickness, I said. He asked if I took a test, I said it’s too early for a test to read positive, but I know that I’m 100% pregnant. Lets just say that pregnancy exhaustion is REAL– and I feel ALL the pregnancy symptoms, you name it and I felt it. I waited 5 days, it was Friday morning, Dallas had just left the house and I decided to take a test. I was shockingly surprised when the test said positive. I’m not going to lie, I immediately broke down in tears of fear, and had an anxiety attack. The idea of being pregnant again, for the 4th time was absolutely terrifying. It’s one thing to know that you are pregnant, and choose to go along with your life.. It’s another thing to feel every single pregnancy symptom, all day, everyday. This may sound selfish, but I sacrifice so much when I’m pregnant, and it is so scary to think that at any moment I can loose my baby. I was very sick, all day, everyday for the first 3 months. I couldn’t exercise, and I was STARVING. I seriously had to eat every 1.5 hours or else I got extreme hunger pains and felt extremely nauseous. I gained lots of weight, felt soft, my skin broke out, and I felt like this baby was sucking the life out of me. For the first 2 months I had lots of anxiety surrounding my pregnancy, I would go to the bathroom to check for blood about 20 times a day. I so badly wanted to be happy about my pregnancy, but was so scared to let my heart get emotionally attached to having this baby.
Something definitely switched in me when my NIPT (chromosomal testing) came back clear, and I got through my first trimester. What a RELIEF. I’m not really one to cry tears of joy, but when I found out that my baby was healthy, I sobbed tears of joy. I just had this peace that everything is going to be okay. I know that I can never be 100% sure, anything can happen at anytime, but I have to trust that the Lord will take care of me, and my baby, no matter what. At the end of the day, He always takes care of me. He took care of me after the most tragic year of my life. He brought me joy and peace, even when I felt so broken and defeated. I love this line from the Hillsong song, Saviour King, “Hope which was lost, now stands renewed.” That is honestly how I feel about my pregnancy, and about this upcoming year. I was so hopeless, and felt so lost, but I cannot tell you how happy I am, and how at peace I am with my pregnancy. Oh yah, and let me mention that I am pregnant with a baby GIRL!!!!! Can you believe it?! I am BEYOND happy.
Thank you all SO much for your prayers, support, and for being apart of my journey with me. I hope that my journey has brought some hope and encouragement to your life. It’s sometimes a tricky balance between being guarded, and also being transparent and sharing my story. Please continue to keep me and my baby girl in your prayers. I’ll also be sharing a lot more about my pregnancy, so please leave your questions and comments below and I’ll be sure to write back! XO